Monologue Joke attempts

Conservatives claim that healthcare progression will cost us a very high price. What a weirdly dark way to label living longer.

According to a recent study, marijuana is the most popular drug on earth. That's really surprising. My prom date was popular!

In Florida, a 6 year old boy was bitten by a shark and is now hospitalized. That's terrifying. Sharks take bath salts?

Rihanna's hotel room in London caught fire yesterday. Firefighters had a hard time dousing it out because the fire was under her umbrella.

If you donate $3 to Romney's campaign you could win a dinner with him and Donald Trump! Hope you're not allergic to the blood of the proletariat.

A toddler was taken to the hospital after ingesting his grandma's pot cookies. Apparently he's sick of having the coolest grandma ever.

Romney released an overly ambitious ad detailing his first term goals. The overly ambitious part was his assumption that he'll get a first term.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are divorcing. The final straw was when she looked in the mirror one morning and realized "oh, I'M Katie Holmes." 

Now, I guess the supreme court says that everyone in the US just has to have healthcare. Yay! Healthcare will be played by Colin Firth!

Japanese scientists designed a rock paper scissors robot that always cheats. Said the robot's wife, "You cad!"

Japanese scientists designed a rock paper scissors robot that can never lose. I never thought the rise of the machines would be instigated by "Who's gonna drive grandma to the airport?"

Reportedly, eating less carbohydrates may not assist weight loss. Said carbohydrates, "Crap! The jig is up!"

There are people living in the tatooine set from Star Wars. Said the inhabitants, "This IS the home we are looking for."

There are people living in the tatooine set from Star Wars. Said the inhabitants, "Well, my wife doesn't like it. But, I don't like her either..."

According to a recent study, one third of gamers would rather buy their games online. The other two thirds would rather buy their games from smugglers at Mos Eisley, but we can't always get what we want.

Reportedly, scientists may have discovered a Higgs Boson particle that could explain how the universe works. That particle understands why Kim Kardashian is famous.

Will Smith and M. Knight  Shyamalan are collaborating on a film, and at the end the surprise Shyamalan twist is that he made a movie with a black person.

A British company is selling $150,000 trips to the Moon in an antique Soviet shuttle. That shows how far the human race has progressed. When I was a kid, suicide was free.

There's a new type of battery that you can spray onto the surface of whatever you're trying to power... "No... gross," said vibrators everywhere.

This week the I-Phone is officially 5 years old. So that explains why mine constantly demands my attention, plays games a lot, and is covered in cake.