Monologue Joke Attempts

Sarah Palin said Romney should be willing to light his hair on fire to get votes. Said his hair, "but hey, what's wrong with civil rights?"

Sarah Palin thinks Romney should pander more to get voters. But I don't know if he has enough wd40 for her grin and wink.

A whole worm was found in a man's eyeball. The only thing worse would be if they had found half a worm in a man's eyeball. ... And if he had been muuurdered.

Some consumers are interested in purchasing a new vaccuum that will cost a million dollars... That dirt better put out.

A Massachusetts business man is fighting a million dollar phone bill. But has he tried... scissors?

A woman put her soul for sale on E-Bay. Too bad everyone knows Satan uses craigslist.

A republican group is calling for Marvel to pull the Astonishing X-Men 51 from the shelves because it features a same sex marriage. That is disgusting. I don't want republicans reading X-Men.

A Florida fundamentalist group is calling for Marvel to pull the Astonishing X-Men 51 from the shelves because it features a same sex marriage. Because if you're gonna let fictional superpowered same sex mutants get married, what's next, children thinking love is real?

Republicans angrily proclaimed that the Astonishing X-Men 51 encouraged "kids to fantasize about having their own same-sex nuptials.” Hey, republicans, here's a tip. If you think something's evil maybe don't use the word "fantasize."

A report was released on the IMAX website saying that General Zod will be the villian in Man of Steel. Said fans, "Control F Lex Luther... Oh... Interesting."
(quiet, deadpan)

Republicans claimed that the Astonishing X-Men 51's same sex wedding may influence children. Said kids, "Maybe I'll try marrying my longtime partner AFTER walking through walls."

Advanced technological progress has been made on designs for the invisibility cloak. Now it's going to be slimming.

Scientists were surprised to discover a black hole that is less than average size. Said the hole, "Gimmie a break, it's like really cold out here."

This year the San Diego Comic Con was so huge that they had a blood bank. Or as Twilight fans said, "Are you making fun of me?"