More attempts at monologue jokes

Kim Jong Un is married. So I guess I bought these glass slippers for nothing.

Beneath a sheet of ice in Antartica, scientists discovered a canyonline abyss of nothingness. So THAT's where Bachmann's soul went.

Last week Kristen Stewart made a huge mistake fooling around with someone she met on the set of Snow White who wasn't Thor.

Mitt Romney criticized Britian's ability to be a good host. He's just ornery that he forgot a plug adapter to charge his heart.

The Romney camp criticized President Obama for showign weakness against the Soviet Union, and also not owning a time machine.

An Arizona GOP canidate was voting absentee in his dead wife's name. He withdrew because he thought the right wing wouldn't support a medium candidate.

Scotland annoucned that it will legalize gay marriage. In response every gay man leapt up and yelled, "No bagpipes at the ceremony!"

New Jersey governer Chris Christie is thinking of running for president in 2016. The public is thinking about him running too. That thought being, "No."

A man in NYC fell forty feet at a Nickleback concert. Authorities responded in shock, "You sure he didn't jump?"

A disgusting bloated rat monster was found washed up on the shore of Manhattan. Or as Rick Santorum said, "Dad?"

Dick Cheney said McCain made a mistake with his pick for Vice President. George Bush turned to the illuminati and asked, "You get to pick the vice president?"

A new poll indicates that many Americans consider Mitt Romney to be honest. Sure, I guess he's not lying about being an asshole.

Mila Kunis is now dating Ashton Kutcher, or as he will henceforth be known: "Still not Natalie Portman, sigh"

In Pennsylvania a bear was found roaming a Sears. When apprehended the bear explained, "this porridge is too white."

Hugo Chavez called Mitt Romney callously selfish and capitalist elite. Anne grabbed Mitt's arms. "Stop clapping. That's not an endorsement."

George Bush declined his invitation to the GOP national convention. Great. Now what are they gonna do with all that pig's blood?

The Japanese Space Agency sent an aquarium of fish up into space. Americans responded, "What a pretty toilet!"


The Japanese Space Agency sent an aquarium of fish up into space. And if THEY can't destroy the deathstar, I don't know what we'll do.  


For the first time, a group of fish were sent into space. That's crazy. They'll never find Nemo there!


A prominent US skeptic of of climate change, Richard Muller, changed his mind and said that he now believes greenhouse gases are responsible for global warming. Said the planet, "Gee, I feel so much safer now."


A study confirmed that humans created global warming. Yay, I can add "creative" to my OKcupid profile!


Research shows that eating curry regularly curbs diabetes risk. Which is great news unless you're a pirate who loves curry but gets teased for being the only one without a peg leg.


Eating curry curbs diabetes risk. Sorry, curry loving pirates, guess you'll have to get that peg leg another way.


Scientists have developed a new robot who can jump on water or at least that's what we tell electrical devices when we want to make it look like a "suicide."


Nintendo lost $220 million. But have they checked the couch?


Snoopy’s street fair passed 5 million downloads. Everyone was so happy they celebrated.
(Stand up and do the snoopy dance.)