More attempts at Monologue Jokes

According to a recent study, children who grow up with a family dog are less likely to aquire asthma.
Because it's man's best friend, not asthmatic nerd's best friend.


Scientists in Germany discovered the fossils of turtles who appear to have died during sexual intercourse. How good at fucking do you have to be...


Scientists say male birds lose interest in their mates if the female's beauty fades. Or at least, what we perceive as bird beauty. How do we know? Listen, some birds like a gal with a little badonk-a-donk in the tail.

This week, a hundred year old tortoise died; the last of his kind. He never really came out of his shell.

This week another bath salt cannibal tried to attack a New York police officer. That's so counter intuitive. I thought zombies liked brains.

The east coast sea level rose very dramatically and quickly. Said global warming, "Is that an apocalypse in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Microsoft says it has no plans to make a phone. Said microsoft, "I'm not saying never, I just wanna focus on me for a while; I don't know if I'm ready to bring a phone into this world."

The NBC much loved sitcom Friends is coming to Blueray. "What's Friends?" Said anyone young enough to own a Blueray.

According to a new study, some children get an impression of what sex is from videogames. Haha! That's so dumb! We all know sex is really all about devouring little ghosts.

A man was charged with obscenity for feeding his friends his own penis. See, I told y’all that sausagefests were obscene.

Yesterday the US navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana from the ocean. Said the ocean, "no! Wait! I have a prescription!"


Sandusky's wife testified that all the alleged victims are actually family friends... WITH BENEFITS

Reportedly, Tim Pawlenty is the most dynamic GOP potential running mate. Sorry, rock on which I glued googly eyes and wrote the word "despair."

A new poll shows compared to Obama, Mitt Romney is seen as more out of touch, or as it's also known, a republican presidential candidate.

Romney said he'll turn over Obama's immigration order. The immigration order blushed and said, "But Mitt, shouldn't we try it missionary first? Isn't that what mormons like?"

Tomorrow in New York it's supposed to be 84 degrees, or 12 Kevin Bacons.

There was a big twitter outage yesterday. Said folks, "what year is it? Are my kids still alive? Look the sun- oh nevermind twitter's back."

A California woman tried to sell a baby outside a Walmart. That's so dumb. That stuff belongs in aisle 5.

After being found guilty of 45 accounts of sexual abuse, Jerry Sandusky claims to be suicidal. Said everyone (shrug) "good."

Jerry Sandusky was convicted of 45 accounts of sexual abuse. Said Douglas Adams fans, "No! We were so close!"

Justice Alito said 14 yr olds should get the same cruel and unusual punishment as adults. Are they gonna send adults to public high school?!

Rielle Hunter said she and Edwards are no longer in a relationship. Said Edwards, yeah but that hasn't necessarily stopped me in the past."

Reports show that the Easter Island statues may have been handled via ropes and manpower. No reports yet on what was the statues' safe word.

A political group of homosexuals support Romney. How rich do you have to be to be a gay republican? "Civil rights... or pool of magic gold?"