More Monologue Jokes

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak said he is not that impressed with Siri. Said Siri, "Isn't it cute how I programmed Steve mark 2 to say that?"

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak said he isn't that impressed with Siri. I believe his exact words were, "I liked Siri okay until Apple bought it and I think the company has made some mistake- aaagh my insides are burning, why is this happening?"

Google received over 1,000 requests from government agencies around the world to remove items. Said the secret service, "Specifically items of clothing."
(play stripper music)

Google received over 1,000 requests from governments around the world to remove items. Censorship is getting so out of hand. What on google could be that bad- NO!
Key: Image: Stationary that is headed with "Barbara Holm Age 10" and below that in children's writing, "Dear Joey in Mrs. Davis' class..."

A US Air Force spy plane returned to Earth after 469 days of a classified intelligence operation and boy are his hegemonic stylings of global corruption tired.

Last week, the sun shot off two flares and two coronal mass ejections towards the Earth. Said the apocalypse, "Oh, that's okay, it happens to a lot of stars."

Last week, the sun shot off two flares and two coronal mass ejections towards the Earth. Said the apocalypse, "Oh, that's okay, it happens to a lot of stars. Next time try thinking of baseball."

Physicists theorize that neutrons have the power to trade places with twin particles in a parallel universe. So after camp, let's swap and trick the parallel universes into loving us again!

Spielberg considered making a sequel to ET with mean aliens. Reminding me of the time my dad told me stop phoning home.

Michael Bay will not be directing a reboot of the Ninja Turtles. Said feminists, "Cowabunga!"

Michael Bay will not be directing a reboot of the Ninja Turtles. So my dad retains the duty of childhood shreddering.

Reportedly, far more planets are capable of supporting life than initially thought. But hey planets, just because you can support a life, doesn't mean you should give up going to college for a man.

More planets are capable of supporting life than initially thought. But hey girl, just because you can support a life, doesn't mean you should give up going to college.

A cooked squid inseminated the mouth of the woman with preserved sperm. Which is ridiculous. A squid ghost would make a horrible mouth baby daddy.

A cooked squid inseminated the mouth of the woman with preserved sperm. Said the squid ghost, "I... I do wanna be there the kid. It's the carnivorous mother I'm not so sure about."

Physicists theorize that neutrons may trade places with twin particles in a parallel universe. Said neutrons, “After camp, let's swap and trick the parallel universes into loving us again!”

Australia is creating the world's largest marine parks. It’s a whale of a project.




Shia LaBeouf got naked to star in a music video. His nipples were non-symmetrical but everything else was even steven.

Mitt Romney was amazed by a store where you could order a sandwich through a computer. What amazed him was getting to see his dad again.

Rebublicans grew irate when the sci fi series Game of Thrones showed an image of George Bush's head impaled on a spike a la Vlad the Impaler. And that is disgusting and horrible. I don't want republicans watching Game of Thrones!