More attempts at monologue jokes

Archaeologists uncovered skeletons that were buried in a manner indicating suspicion they may have been vampires. Said manner of course being buried in KISSES!

A group of goats were found trapped on a roof. Police are very confused as to how my collection of ex boyfriends turned into goats.

Jeb Bush said he thinks he may have missed his opportunity to be president. The "Opportunity" of course being the alignment of the planets and opening of the gates to hell.

A NY train driver was suspended for endangering the lives of hundreds of people reading while driving. Also, I think I found my soul mate!

The Al Qaeda no. 2 man was recently killed. That's what they get for doing all their hiring on a desecrated Indian burial ground.

A Texas Family found the image of Jesus in the shower mold. See, mom, cleanliness isn't that much next to godliness after all!

An Idaho burglar fell asleep in the home he broke into. Said Doc, Sneezey and Dopey, "Bro, that only works if it's a hot chick."

Hugh Hefner got back together with his 22 year old girlfriend, so I guess me being goth in college wasn't that "creepy" now, was it?

Detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being tortured via loud Sesame Street blared directly into their ear drums. So at least they can count the ways we're desecrating the Geneva convention.

Mitt Romney clarified that he would have actually backed the government bailout of the auto industry. But ONLY because cars are destroying the planet.

During a routine stop, traffic police found a toddler holding a gun. Said the gun, "I know she's too young, but is it so wrong to just want someone to hold you during the dark lonely nights?"

The corpse of a murderer was found mauled by a bear. The bear was given a lethal injection, which sounds way less cute than a bear cape.