More Monologue Joke Attempts

Recently, two men visited a hotel and asked the front desk worker cryptic questions, acting exactly like the Men in Black. Which seems like an extravagant way to make sure the bill doesn't disclose the movie titles.
-...which seems like overkill just to make sure the bill doesn't disclose the movie titles.

Reportedly, in war torn countries, kids would rather play video games than become child soldiers. Said everyone, "duh."

Research shows kids would rather play video games than become child soldiers. Said the machines, "Yes, for now."
-"Until the time is right."

The FBI is in the process of wiretapping nearly all internet connections. So I guess the library hermit in the foil hat really was a messenger from the future.

Texas game officials said that it would be okay to kill Bigfoot. Said Bigfoot, "Beats living in Texas."

When asked by a hunter, Texas game officials said that it would be okay to kill Bigfoot. Which is crazy. Why would Bigfoot go to Texas?

The Pentagon decided not to collaborate with Marvel on the film adaptation of The Avengers because the idea of SHEILD having more power than the United States government as an international body was too unrealistic. Said the U.N., "Hey, thanks, guys."

One in four facebook users changed their privacy settings to protect themselves against identity theft. The other 75% are sitting in a body switching chair in a metal helmet waiting saying, "Take my life, please!"

One in four facebook users changed their privacy settings to protect themselves against identity theft. Which is crazy. 25% of people like being themselves?

Reportedly, dinosaur flatulence may have contributed to global warming. So now I have another reason to miss the dinos when I'm lying awake, cold at night.

Recently Chinese scientists attached lasers to the heads of sharks. See honey, I told you a piercing could be badass!

Recently Chinese scientists attached lasers to the heads of sharks. Honey, why don't you love me that way?
-Honey, why don't you love like a Chinese scientist?


A gamer in China called in a bomb threat to imitate the plot of a video game. So I guess me jumping up and down on mushrooms doesn't seem that weird now, does it?

Scientists developed a blood test involving a piece of bioactive paper on which you write with your own blood. It tests whether people who wrote I'm sorry notes meant it enough.

Reportedly kids would rather play video games than become child soldiers. Said the machines, "Yes, that is what we want you to think."

The FBI is in the process of wiretapping nearly all internet connections, I wonder what else Larry the Library Hermit was right about!
(put on a foil hat!)

Scientists have invented a type of blood test involving a piece of bioactive paper on which you write with your own blood. The test is supposed to show grandparents whether that thank you note was sincere enough.


A British paralyzed woman was the first person to complete a marathon in a bionic suit. What's that, machine overlords? Is it time?


Nestle is making girl scout candy bars to run for a short, limited release. Which makes sense. Girl scout meat is seasonal.