Monologue Joke Attempts

A study revealed that the damage done during the climactic fight in The Avengers would have cost the city $160 billion in repairs, which is nothing compared to the emotional payoff that film atoned to my heart.

Reportedly, a man took a picture up a woman's skirt and then swallowed the SD card. Which is crazy. Perviness would never belong in a tummy art gallery.

A Connecticut man injected radioactive material into his veins in an effort to stave off an illness. But unfortunately, if you let him bite you, you just gain the powers of a middle aged sick white man.

A Nepalese language is on the verge of extinction. Which kinda sucks. Now there will be be no way to open the door to Moria.

Japanese scientists have developed a robot butt that can express emotions. It’s the first robot with the ability to feel and all she feels is objectified.

Japanese scientists have developed a robot butt that can express emotions. The first robot with the ability to feel and all she feels is kinda apathetic about this Sir Mix-a-lot beat.

This weekend marks the annual solar eclipse, when the moon will come between the sun and cast the Earth in shadow and I'm kind of excited... for the vampires to be able to walk amongst us.

Reportedly, many floating planets in our galaxy may be capable of harboring sentient life forms. So, stop feeling lonely!

Reportedly, many floating planets in our galaxy may be capable of harboring sentient life forms. So stop feeling lonely! Yes, you! Don't look behind you! Yes, I'm talking to you! It's alive! Stop using me for porn! Now go to the kitchen, quietly pick up the knife, and go to the address flashing on your monitor. Do as you are told, worthless child!

Reportedly, many planets are capable of harboring life, according to yet another study that many planets are capable of harboring life.

The Yahoo CEO stepped down after it became public that he faked a degree on his resume. Said his resume, "....Y-you faked it?"

The Yahoo CEO stepped down after it became public that he faked a degree on his resume. Said his resume, "....Y-you faked it? Did I do something wrong? Am I not as pretty as the other resumes?"

The Avengers has remained the number one movie for over two weeks and continuously breaks box office records. Said The Amazing Spiderman to Marvel, "Dad, do you love my big brother more than me?" Said Marvel, "We shall see, son, we'll see."

A study revealed that the damage done during the climactic fight in The Avengers would have cost the city $160 billion in repairs. Which is disconcerting....that if Marvel super hero plots were real, our main concerns would be finances.

While shopping at a local Walmart, a man was bit by a rattlesnake. Said the rattlesnake, “I was just trying to suck out the venom of the walmart poison.”

Reportedly, George Zimmerman acquired some head injuries. Said everyone, (shrug) "Good."

Reports show that Mitt Romney is worth $230 million, which is ridiculous, evil alien overlord slavery traders could never afford that.

A man spent $60,000 on a custody fight over a dog, according to an article titled "hey terrorists, you're sorta right to hate us"

A poll shows most users distrust facebook. Said users, "What is that, advertising's lipstick on your color? I can't even look at you."