More attempts at monologue jokes

Archaeologists have discovered the first ever musical instrument in history.
Key: Image of armpit with hand.

A conservationist in England set 100 bees free, which seems like a ridiculous thing to do just to have an excuse to cackle "fly my pretties, fly."

A recent study shows that the Earth took ten million years to get over the last mass extinction. Said the Earth, "Um, it took a long time and a lot of Pride and Prejudice and chocolate, but I think I'm finally ready to jump in, let myself be vulnerable, and open myself up to experience another brutal worldwide apocalypse."

The creator of The Wire said that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a better show than The Wire. Also, sexual intercourse is better than being drowned in a pit of angry slugs. Oh, I thought we were just stating obvious facts.

In the new Harry Potter kinect game, players may scan an image of their face onto that of a Hogwarts student. But that doesn't appeal to me, I already know what I look like on the body of a child.
Key: Image of my head on little boy Harry's body

A Chinese official endorsed a game after stating that he was anti-videogames. But he said this particular one was an exception because it infused children with belligerence, violence and pro-war tenancies... or in other words dad gets to take a break from beating the kids.

Lifetime is developing another Silence of the Lambs prequel. Fashion Hungry: the story of Hannibal Lecter struggling through fashion school and defeating adversity by designing the prettiest human skin suit of the ball.

For the upcoming blueray release of ET, Speilberg is going with the theatrical cut instead of the tamer edit, a choice he made after a visit from the ghost of greedo yet to come.

Mattel released an action figure that may be Joseph Gordon Levitt’s character John Blake in The Dark Knight Rises, revealing the massive spoiler, that we still have no idea who that is.

Archaeologists discovered the first ever musical instrument in history. That’s amazing. I had no idea Bjork was immortal.

A conservationist is releasing 100 short-haired bees into the their natural habitat. Their natural habitat being of course her ex boyfriend’s apartment.


Andrew Garfield recently that he loves playing Peter Parker because he thinks that orphans are the strongest beings on the planet, alluding to his upcoming project: Orphan Man: the story of a teenager bit by a radioactive kid with dead parents.


This year marks the 50th anniversary of the Amazing Spider-Man. “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” Said Spidey from the future after he sees the present I made him.
Key: Drawing of Spider-Man and me holding hands with words “BEST FRIENDS FOREVER” written over top.


A man drove into a taco bell because his order was missing a taco. That's crazy. How did he know that was the taco with the golden ticket?


An man divorced his wife because she had 550 cats. Having 550 cats is ridiculous. You need 600 for a militant uprising.


Yesterday Justin Bieber attacked a paparazzo. Which shocked me. This entire time I thought a Bieber was just a doll kids had, not a person.


A study says smiling at strangers makes them feel connected so now I go around grinning wildly yelling "PLEASE ACCEPT ME INTO THE HIVE MIND"




Snorers have a higher cancer risk. So next time your partner wakes you up snoring, consolidate yourself that they may be slowly dying.




A 53 year old man is attempting to climb mount rushmore. But when I advertise to pay the tiny fairy folk to climb on my face, no takers.




A Miami man attacked and ate the face off another man. Which is so disgusting and disturbing. Why would anyone live in Miami?