More attempts at Monologue Jokes

May 20th marked the solar eclipse when the moon blocked out all the sun's light except a red ring. Or, if you live in a cloudy area, a day happened.

The supreme court ruled that a pair of twins conceived posthumerously were not entitled to benefits, because they didn't have anyone they were friends with.

The supreme court ruled that a pair of twins conceived in vitro do not get the inheritance of the deceased sperm donor. Instead they get an excuse as to why dad missed the softball games.

SpaceX is the first private company to send a spacecraft into space to the space station. Which is impressive, that I just said space four times.

Reportedly, DC plans to make one of their characters gay. Said the character, "Oh, just one? Gee. Thanks."

As the Harry Potter craze dies down fans became disillusioned with the novelty of owning pet owls and are returning them to the pet store. But when I try to un-adopt a bespectacled child there's like paperwork.

A Florida shark turned vegetarian after having a fishing hook lodged in her mouth and undergoing intensive and invasive surgery. Said the hippie girl to her meat eating boyfriend, "I have an idea!"

Archaeologists found fossilized cuttlefish ink sacks that are 160 million years old. But when I try to bury my lisa frank pens for preservation, the litter police get mad.

A Houston museum is exhibiting a marine dinosaur who died during childbirth and you can see the skeletal baby dino remains fossilized in her birth canal, or in other words, no, I don't want lunch.

Reportedly, an exoplanet is evaporating due to its close proximity to the heat of the parent star. Said the star in question, "Whaddya mean you need space?"

Reportedly, an exoplanet is evaporating due to its close proximity to the heat of the parent star. Said the star in question, "What do you mean you need space? All I want is for you to accept my firey passionate love. Is there another star you would rather revolve around?"

A Utah theater group is producing a science fiction musical with puppets. So, no, the terrorists have not won.

Reportedly, DC plans to make one of their heroes gay. Marvel has had several prominent heroes out of the closet for a long time and this week announced that there's going to be a gay marriage issue featuring the speedy mutant Northstar. But don't worry DC, not even social progression could keep up with Northstar.

Sources say that 1,000 dogs fell ill after eating dog treats. Which is nothing compared to the 100,000 dog treats that were swallowed to death.

Reportedly, Snooki is having a baby boy. Additionally, boy is a new synonym for antichrist destined to rise up and bind the forces of evil.

An Israeli woman swallowed a toothbrush, which is ridiculous, that the toilet in her tummy still isn't clean.

Cher said that if Romney is elected she will not breathe the same air as him. But if he doesn't, she's gonna go breathe all of his air in victory.