Monologue Joke Attempts

A pair of grandparents were arrested for driving drunk while towing their grandaughter behind the SUV in a toy car. They're charged with being way cooler than her other grandparents.


The GOP criticized Obama for politicizing Bin Laden's death in the media. So I suppose all that coverage of 9/11 was for entertainment news then?


Tuesday was the One year anniversary of Bin Laden's death. Said the husband of Bin Laden’s death “What? Shit... I forgot to... hold on is there a flower shop still open?”


PETA alleged that pigeon racing raises $15 million a year in illegal gambling, not to mention the effect on the economy of tiny bird track shoes.


The Higgs Boson machine discovered a new, rare particle. Let's hope the other particles don't ostracize it at recess.


Australian scientists have listed the Koala as "vulnerable" in an effort to educate and encourage young men to buy beer for them.


Australian scientists have listed the Koala as "vulnerable" insinuating that it's easy to pick one up at a bar.


Australian scientists have listed the Koala as "vulnerable." This diagnosis is due to habitat decay and scientists saying to the koalas, "Hey girl, I would never treat you that way.


Reportedly wind farms may actually be warming the Earth, contrary to their primary purpose as a green energy solution. Which is the Earth's way of saying, "Just let me die in peace."


Some doctors are considering using psychedelic drugs for treatments, due to a rising epidemic of not being groovy enough.



General Motors has filed a patent to produce Minority Report style billboards that will custom advertise to individuals, sensing our wants and needs. But I don't think there's a store where I can pick up the ability to love myself.


A new Daredevil reboot is in the works. It's going to be titled, "Anyone who turns down an invitation to join the Avengers must be blind."


The Higgs Boson machine discovered a brand new particle. Said the old particles, "Ah, fresh meat."


Reports show that wind farms may be warming the earth. Said the earth to her husband, "Well, yeah, but you're never home anymore."


Some doctors are considering using psychedelic drugs for medical treatments, due to a rising epidemic of just not getting how deep The Who is, man.


A Chicago woman was arrested for biting a dog during a dispute with her mother. Said the woman, "Oh yeah, mom? Well then I'll just make a Patches into a were-mommy!"


Reportedly, leading up to Bin Laden's death, the terrorist leader was worried that al-qaeda was losing support and was considering changing it's name and remarketing it. One possible alternative name was, “Well what if we said 73 virgins?”


The Obama reelection campaign brought to life an incident when the Romney family's dog was found tided and strapped to the roof of their car. Said the car in question “Don’t judge the way me and patches express our love!”