Thursday, July 19, 2012

My favorite monologue jokes compiled

1. " Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote" -Fallon

2. "The White House is telling Americans not to “read too much” into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, “You had me at ‘don’t read too much.’” -Fallon

3. "Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." -Amy Poehler (Weekend Update)

4. "Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said "Leave me alone, I'm having a drink."" -Conan

5. " Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work." -Fallon

6. " Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, "Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country."" -Conan

7. " The theory behind the Freudian slip has been scientifically proven after 111 years. I think that's the breast news I heard all week." -Conan

8. "Citing the high cost of the series and its low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has canceled the long-running series Baywatch. That leaves men who like big, fake boobs to watch VIP, Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, Search Party, Extra, MTV Spring Break, MTV's Making The Video, Wild On E!, Howard Stern, Silk Stockings, G-String Divas, The Man Show, Unhappily Ever After, Blind Date, Bowflex Infomercials, Cleopatra 2525, the XFL, the NFL, Sabado Gigante, Temptation Island, Charmed, wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime, or commercials" - Tina Fey (Weekend Update)

9. "Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off sixty workers. News of the firings was brought to employees by the letters F and U." Jimmy Fallon (Weekend Update)

10. ''Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.'' —Conan O'Brien

11. “Huntington Beach, California this past weekend was the site of the second annual Surf City Surf Dog competition. Or as the sharks call it… Thanksgiving.” Seth Meyers (Weekend Update)

12. “It was announced Wednesday that the new judges for this season’s American Idol will be Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson. Otherwise known as ‘coffin nails one, two and three.’” Amy Poehler (Weekend Update)

13. “Blockbuster Video on Thursday filed for bankruptcy protection. Well Blockbuster, seems our 8 year tug of war over Tango & Cash has reached its conclusion.” Seth Meyers (Weekend Update)

14. "In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama Bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing, claiming that Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." (Weekend Update)

15. " A 100-year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend. I dunno dude, one woman for the rest of your life? " (Update)

16. "The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad that Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go." –Conan O'Brien

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