Saturday, July 20, 2013

Jury finds that Zimmerman was sent from the future to prevent us from making Watchmen real

Jury finds that Zimmerman was sent from the future to prevent us from making Watchmen real

By Barbara Holm

Tensions were running high when the Florida neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman made his first court appearance. Zimmerman is on trial for murdering a seventeen year old boy named Trayvon Martin.

Reportedly, Zimmerman was a self appointed neighborhood vigilante, and followed the young boy on his way home and then shot him for seemingly no reason. It’s a very sensitive case with a lot of emotions at stake, but after much deliberation and listening to both the prosecution and the defense, the jury came to the clear conclusion that Zimmerman was sent from the future to prevent us from making the graphic novel Watchmen real.

“You can’t just appoint yourself a neighborhood crime fighter,” said handsome scientist Peter Parker. “Because what if you’re a fucking racist psychopath? That’s no good.”

Reportedly, according to a lot of science, George Zimmerman was sent from a not too distant future to warn us what could happen if society encouraged human beings to assume the identities of crime fighting vigilantes, and remind us that some human beings are intrinsically horrible.

This future of somewhat corrupt wannabe superheroes mirrors the gruesome plot of Alan Moore’s award winning graphic novel Watchmen.

“Aghlepspheblagh!” yells Alan Moore who lives in a hut on the foot of a mountainside.

Unsure of how to send Zimmerman back to his current time, scientists are working on the mechanics of interdimensional time travel whilst social scientists are working on how to not let racist assholes who live in the suburbs of Florida pretend that they’re some sort of crime fighters.

“You can’t just be a policeman,” says anyone who’s ever paid attention to anything. “You have  to take some sort of test, oh, and um, promise not to shoot to death innocent children, yeah, that’d help.”

Ultimately as tragic and intense as this whole ordeal has been, the Martin trial has done its job in warning us not to turn into a society that could pin a badge on the neighborhood gun hungry watch dog and furthermore inspired science fiction nerds to pay attention to the news.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Weekend Update Jokes I like

"In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey

"Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler

"Tom DeLay's mug shot was released on Thursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown a bag of kittens." --Amy Poehler

"While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush admitted he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush, 'Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.'" --Amy Poehler

"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family." --Tina Fey

"A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler

"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey

"It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions words and illegal doings.'" --Tina Fey

"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey

"A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey