Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Monologue Jokes

Sometimes I attempt to write monologue jokes....

This week Facebook bought Instagram for $1 billion. Now, maybe someone can take an artsy vintage picture of that money and show it to a starving child.

Reportedly, The Hunger Games may be seeking a new director for their sequel. Which is like saying, (said in a voice like you're calling a kitty): Here, Peter Jackson, here Peter, c'mere, who's a good boy!

According to a recent study, some homophobic bullies may be acting out because of an attraction to the same sex or parental pressure. Said victims, "oh good, I was hoping you had a tortured psychological excuse for being a douchebag."

Pizza Hut is introducing a pizza with hot dogs injected into the crust. For when you want your body to know how much you hate yourself.

A group of scientists have designed a plasma light device that can kill bacteria normal soap can't touch. "Gee, that seems kinda personal," said bacteria.

A new law was passed in New York instigating the removal of all sex offenders from online games. Because we wouldn't want anything creepy to happen in MMORPGs.

Recently Apple delayed a game's release because they were worried the teddy bears in the game were recruiting tools for pedophiles. Which is like saying, hey, pedophiles, we don't call the police for things like that, but watch out we might delay your game release a few weeks!

Parents everywhere panicked when a three year old boy found a live grenade during an easter egg hunt. Which is so upsetting and scary, that he found the christmas presents eight months early!

A new law was passed in New York instigating the removal of all sex offenders from online games. Said sex offenders, "But... we have nowhere else to cold."

Recently, a New Jersey man survived a metal nail driven through his heart. Maybe he should have watched a single episode of Buffy before attempting the stupidest vampire suicide ever.

A Las Vegas industry is commercially marketing an IV that reportedly can cure hangovers. But a numbing medication can't remove all of last night's mistakes.
Key: Picture of diapers.

For more jokes of this ilk follow @barbara_holm on twitter

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