More attempts at monologue jokes

Sometimes I attempt to write monologue jokes

Reportedly simply watching dance activates a muscular response. So that's why standing against the wall by myself at the party leaves me so sweaty.

A New York man and son were arrested for burying a 26 foot long stolen truck. Which is ridiculous. Now they'll never get their magic truck tree!

AFA foods is facing criticism for using "pink slime" to disinfect meat. Which I agree, is a dumb way to promote Ghostbusters 3.

French scientists report that people feel sexier when holding a glass of alcohol. Said glasses of alcohol, I know, me too, but we can never be together, we are of two different worlds, but please just lay here and hold me for a little bit longer, Jack?

Consumer spending for Easter is up 11 percent from last year. Wow, can you believe the price increase in shovels to dig up undead deities? I don’t know what Easter is.

This week Bruce Willis became a father to his fourth child. Which is so adorable that the number of daughters matches that of die hard movies

A new study suggests that people who have sleep breathing problems have a higher risk of depression. Duh, if you stop breathing in your sleep you'll feel much less depressed.

Florida legislature overturned a ban on dying animals different colors. I know, I know, it's really fucked up... that anyone would even try to ban the creation of carebears.

President Obama said if the Supreme Court overturns his health care law it would be “judicial activism.” Oh, cool, “judicial activism” must be a new vocab word for idiotic.

A cat in New York City attacked his owner and ran away by smashing through a glass door. "Don’t make me adorable, you won't like me when I'm adorable," said hulk kitty.

Astronomers reported that in addition to the moon, there are always two 1-meter asteroids orbiting the Earth. Which is what we get for having a black president.

Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby, may have gotten his new girlfriend pregnant. "Sure give him all the credit," said Johnston’s basement full of African fertility statues.

Mitt Romney said Obama was out of touch after “years of flying around on Air Force One, surrounded by an adoring staff of ‘true believers.’” Because apparently the president's job description mirrors that of a cult leader.

Yahoo is cutting 2000 jobs, or 14 percent of its workforce. I wonder why they're having so many problems? Maybe I should goog- oh.

New York City Police warned everyone to look out for a new bracelet that with a plastic handcuff key. Because they are like so hot for the new fall line! Can you get that at Forever 21?

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