Monologue Jokes Attempts

John Boehner said there's no such thing as the GOP's war against women. Said the still undeclared war in Iraq, "But if you believe hard enough, dreams do come true."


Karl Rove said Obama was too cool to be president. Oh, I get it now, Rove *wants* the country to be run by a hapless loser.


A 20 year old girl claims that Justin Bieber got her pregnant. Justin wrote an entire album about her. Said the woman, "Gee thanks, but all I wanted was $600 and a ride."


Beyonce was named People's most beautiful woman. "Good, good," said the scientists who put the soul into the giant barbie. "They think it is a People."


The Beach Boys are releasing their first new single after 20 years. It's going to be titled, "Just wait 3 minutes and we'll get back to the hits."


24 year old singer Rhianna said that her experiences with domestic violence actually empowered her as a woman. That's so horribly offensive to me as a woman, that she's younger than me.


 A 20 year old girl claims that Justin Bieber got her pregnant. Justin wrote an entire album about her. Which seems like overkill when all she really needed was help going down the stairs.


Burger King pledged to not get meat from chicken raised in cages ever again. Because who needs cages when the evil wizard can keep them imprisoned in his mind?


Gingrich said he will leave the race but remain in the national spotlight. Said stage manager, "fire the guy doing the spotlight! He's clearly fucking around."


Scientists claim the mad cow outbreak is a random freak mutation, which is government doublespeak for yes, Virginia, there is a zombie god


Scientists claim that the mad cow outbreak in the US is a random freak mutation, which is government doublespeak for yes, there are zombies