Thursday, August 23, 2012

More attempts at monologue jokes

Paul Ryan said if he wasn't a politician he'd probably be a skier, but we'll probably still get to see him fall on his ass.

Jennifer Aniston just got engaged! See, mom, my vision board isn't a waste of time after all, now is it?

A California man died inside a hearse. Said the hearse, "Listen, this is not what it looks like!"

Shia LaBeouf said he's done with big Hollywood movies. Big Holywood movies responded, (shrug) "...kay."

Sarah Palin said Joe Biden was offensive, undiplomatic, and a poor fit for vp. Then she said, "...mirror mirror on the wall..."

The U. S. Military is sending surveillance blimps to Mexico to monitor the border. Or, as the Mexican giant said, "Um pinata para ME?"

Rep Todd Akin tried to claim that some rapes are more legitimate than others, which is an easy mistake to make considering he lacks a legitimate soul.

Todd Akin claims he misspoke. I guess he's referring to the time he said "I'd be a good senator."

A man stole a bag of weed because he said it smelled too good. That's not a good excuse for taking something that doesn't belong to you, but at least he wasn't at a kindergarten.

Romney predicted he will create 12 million jobs. This prediction was made on a crystal ball of falsehoods.

A conservative Tennessee lobbyist said welfare was like "feeding animals" and that's so offensive... that no grizzly bear devoured him.

A shirtless photo was released of Paul Ryan and supporters were shocked... that you can't even see the demon scales.

Avril Lavigne got engaged. I guess she'll have to change her facebook status from, "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

Prince Harry was photographed naked in Vegas. Either that or he and the emperor have the same new clothes.

A hurricane is heading for the Republican National Convention. In response to the storm, god said, "I built this."

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