Tuesday, March 20, 2012

My flimsy weak attempts at monologue jokes

Sometimes I try to write monologue jokes. Most of them are nerd/pop culture related.

Storm is joining the Avengers coincidentally right before Marvel releases the Avengers vs X-Men faceoff... That's like if Kobe and Shaq could make me feel anything.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo received an Oscar nomination for most uncomfortable film to watch with your dad.

DC's latest installment of I, Vampire will take place in Gotham City, and I don't care what teenage mormon girls say, I'm on team Bruce.

Fans are complaining that the film adaptation of Tintin strays from the original books in many ways, such as a diversion from the abstract whimsical aesthetics, and all the fucking racism.

The Family Research Council is upset that Star Wars: The Old Republic features gay relationships. Parents are complaining that children who play violent mmorpgs shouldn't be exposed to love.

After a divorce a British man had to sell his home that he custom built to look like the USS Voyager, suggesting actually the final frontier is loneliness.

Christian Bale said he wouldn't play Batman if Robin had appeared in any of the films, based on the clause in his contract specifying no one gonna steal that dead daddy thunder.

The director of Back to the Future is considering turning the beloved classic film into a broadway musical, saying where we're going, we don't need artistic integrity.

Andrew Garfield, star of the upcoming Spiderman film, says he is excited to explore the character because he thinks that orphans are the strongest beings on earth, teasingly referencing the reboot of Orphan Man, the tale of an awkward teenager bit by a radioactive kid with dead parents.

Apple removed 59 clone games from it's app store. The games said, "Stop! Don't shoot! I'm the real game, he's the clone! Ask me something only the real angry birds could kn-"

A new study found that facebook and twitter are more addictive than cigarettes, but you still can't burn social networking into your baby's arm.

Stan Lee's first official website launched. Which makes me wish my real grandpa was that adorable and/or still alive.

Archie Comics released a spinoff called Kevin featuring their first gay main character, and conservative parents are irrationally angry that children may think it's acceptable to like Archie Comics.

A man in Pennsylvania tried to strangle his wife with a video game chord, but no amount of spicing things up could make her love him again.

Fox announced that this will be the last season of House. Said fans, "oh no, we'll never see another drama about smart attractive doctors."

In Kevin Smith's new series Comic Book Men, Zoe Gulliksin was cut out of all the scenes in the pilot leaving an all male ensemble cast. Smith said, "yeah, we thought about making it good, but then it wouldn't be reality tv."

A new romantic drama The Vow did better than The Phantom Menace 3D at the box office. Said George Lucas, "That's. Not. Possible. (look down at palms in disbelief) Could it be wearing off? Bring me the blood of a turtle dissolved into virgin tears to taste."

For more such jokes follow @barbara_holm on twitter

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