Thursday, March 22, 2012

More Monologue Jokes

Sometimes I attempt to write monologue style jokes. Here's a few of them. Most of them are nerd culture related.

The Phantom Menace is now the top grossing Star Wars film, but unfortunately throwing money at bad things doesn't make them go away. Remember Iraq?

The film John Carter was based on the book "A Princess of Mars" but the title was changed because the director thought it was too girly... and the last thing they'd want to do is emasculate people who read fantasy romance novels.

JK Rowling said her new novel is very different than Harry Potter because it's for adults, or in other words, JK Rowling just told her fanbase of 25 year olds to grow the fuck up.

According to a recent study, people who are in tune with their feelings are able to make more accurate predictions."Oh my god I always knew I was like psychic or something!" said 18 year old girls who are not at all in tune with their feelings.

Scientists have discovered a puzzling clump of dark matter in space and they are confused, as to whether the universe can pull off the chemo wig.

According to a new study, winning makes you a mean person. "Good thing I'm a loveable underdog," said assholes.

A new study shows that if vampires exist they are probably are not allergic to garlic. "Great use of science, guys," said cancer patients.
(I use this one on stage a lot)

A new heart disease medication may reduce feelings of racism. Which is great, because it was my black boyfriend who gave my grandma the heart attack in the first place.

Research suggests that Greenland may melt sooner than thought, resulting in a 7 meter rise in sea level. "At this rate we'll never find Atlantis!" Said folks who don't realize that the planet is dying.

A new substance can repair itself, and may be used to heal damaged organs. "Yes, Billy, just like Wolverine," said a mom who's son is probably going to die.

A junior high school kid was arrested for stealing over 1000 condoms. In retrospect it wasn't that difficult to find the one kid with 1000 dicks.

In The Avengers trailer, it's still unclear who exactly the villains are. My guess is it's a society that makes a $220 million film but can't afford health care for dying children.

For more such jokes follow @barbara_holm on twitter

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