Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Monologue Jokes

Green Day lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong was rushed to the hospital and forced to cancel a concert. When asked if he was okay his manager responded, "Well, he’s still in Greenday."

Organizers of the Republican National Convention cancelled a day of programming over concerns about Hurricane Isaac. Said God, “I built this.”

A new report shows that US hotels made an estimated 2 billion dollars on surcharge fees last year for amenities such as internet access, long distance phone calls, and whatever this weird untitled item on my bill- oh, nevermind.

Women in a civil rights group in Togo are calling for the resignation of the country’s president, urging other women in the country to stage a sex strike that would last a week. The first lady of Togo added, “Or longer.”

According to a new report from Yellowstone National Park bears are not attracted to the odors of women menstruating. So there’s another thing that separates me from bears.

A group of activists protested the Republican National Convention dressed as vaginas. Though it may not have been the best strategy to dress as something Republicans don’t recognize.

Fire fighters in England had to rescue a cow that fell down an embankment and got stuck in a tree. Or at least that’s what they say happened, but I think I know a magical cow tree when I see one.

The GOP revised their platform to call for the elimination of pornography. Experts say that would hurt the economy because it would decrease hotel movie rentals, internet advertising, and applicants to be pizza delivery guys.  

At the Republican National Convention, Ann Romney attempted to humanize Mitt by saying that when they first got married they lived in a basement. The humanizing plan backfired when everyone realized the basement is exactly where mad scientists keep monsters.

This weekend rapper Nicki Minaj endorsed Mitt Romney, suggesting that owning a wig, weirdly, does not make one a political scientist.

At a benefit last week, Prince Harry of Wales was greeted by a six year old child who joked, “I’m glad you kept your clothes on.” It got awkward though, when the boy’s mom was like, “Speak for yourself, kid.”

Ex Navy Seal Mark Owen’s new book about the death of Osama bin Laden received criticism for revealing classified top secret information, according to someone who in no way whatsoever is trying to boost book sales.

On a recent podcast, Charlie Sheen said when he was younger, he was considered to play Spider-Man. However, before he had a chance, he was bit by a radioactive crazy asshole.

Singer and actress Jessica Simpson said Wednesday that her post-baby body didn’t bounce back the way she thought it would. Also having a hard time bouncing back: The economy that created Jessica Simpson.

People are saying that Clint Eastwood’s speech at the Republican National Convention was "mentally unhinged" or in Bachmann terms: patriotic.

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