Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Sammy the Anxiety Troll

Sammy flipped through magazines, clearly bored. He sat on the floor of the squishy pink room, his green claw feet propped up on a cushion of soft nerve endings. He raked his nails through his green and purple fur, shedding dead skin, little bugs, and wayward hairs as he did so.

Apathetically, he leaned his scruffy head towards the eye windows and peered out. Bethany was standing in front of her closet gathering piles of tops over on arm. Sammy cocked his head to the side and watched as she smelled the armpits of various items. He shrugged and decided that it didn't mean anything. Humans sometimes need to smell something to remind themselves that they still exist. Sammy leaned back, snuggling in the comfort of her brain, feeling calm until he saw her reach for her makeup drawer. Sammy jumped up and ran to the eye window and peered out. Bethany never wore makeup! He watched as she applied the foundation, singing happily to herself as she trimmed her four haired mustache. Sammy swore to himself and stamped his foot in agitation in the soft squelchy ooze of her young brain.

Bethany was getting ready for her first date with Brian. She had picked out a very pretty top and was wearing her hair in the style she liked that made her feel like an astronaut. She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked to the bus stop to meet him.

Sitting with his arms crossed, Sammy growled as Bethany and Brian hugged hello. He had really been looking forward to spending the evening curled up in Bethany's brain watching Ally McBeal out her eyes while she wrote sad ukulele songs about lonely monsters and gave herself facials. What was the use being a social anxiety troll if the host chose to go out and live life? Sammy decided he wasn't going to sit on his haunches and take this offense in stride. He clapped his claws together and spring into action.

When Bethany laughed at one of Brian's jokes, Sammy put pressure on the nasal passage so the laugh erupted in an embarrassing snort. When Brian asked Bethany a polite question, Sammy tickled the conversational lobe so she was forced to grapple for an answer that came out in a stammering succession of nervous stutters. When Brian put his hand on the small of her back to guide her through the door, Sammy spit a cascade of monster saliva into Bethany's sweat glands, allowing sticky moisture to drip out in a salty ooze, saturating her armpits, neck, and back.

Bethany looked at Brian over the pasta dinner. She watched as he chatted with her going on and on about something she had to pretend was cool. She leaned over to carefully take a bite of pasta and her hand inexplicably involuntarily twitched, dumping the red saucy bite all over her lap. She laughed nervously, higher pitched and more nasally than her normal laugh and cleaned it up. Bethany hadn't realized how much she liked him, but her neurotic energy indicated a more serious impending attraction than previously assumed. When he touched her hand her heart raced so quickly that her chest hurt.

"I'm having a lot of fun," Bethany told Brian.
"What the hell?" asked Sammy. "How could you be having fun; you're uncomfortable!"
"Me too," said Brian.
"Seriously?" asked Sammy. "But she's being such a fucking dork!"
"I'm having a nice amiable time," Bethany said.
"You're having an agitated, anxiety ridden time!" screamed Sammy.
"You look adorable," Brian said.
"She looks sweaty and emotionally exacerbated!" said Sammy.

Sammy realized he was going to have to up his game. If he didn't do anything this could turn into a happy and fulfilling evening and he would be starved for anxiety. He would go hungry trying to scare Bethany back into agoraphobia and constant trepidation.

On the walk home Brian put his arm around Bethany and Sammy tried to make her stumble but unfortunately she didn't fall on her face. When Brian and Bethany got to her front door Sammy started to throw a violent tantrum.

"This was a fantastic date," Bethany said. She blushed and stammered, "I mean, it was a date, right? Is it a date? Forget I-I-I said date. I'm sorry. What?"
"It was a date," Brian agreed, smiling down.
"I... um... we should... do it..."
Brian's eyes widened as he waited for her to finish.
"...again some time?"
Her heart pounded uncomfortably and torrents of sweat drenched through her clothes. She looked up at him and he looked down at her. He moved closer, tilting his head. Bethany closed her eyes and began to violently shake.

Sammy angrily dived down towards Bethany's esophagus and tried to force her to throw up on Brian's face.

Bethany fought back a sudden burst of nausea and began hiccupping and shaking in a frenzy. She kissed Brian curtly and thanked him for dinner and they made vague idle plans to see each other again. Bethany let herself into her apartment. Still shaking in trepidation, she leaned against the door and tried to steady her heart beat and oxygen intake.

Brian walked home quietly looking down and frowning slightly to himself. Down inside him something rumbled as he tread farther away from Bethany's apartment. The tiny troll living inside Brian's penis was named Steve. Steve shook his fist in exasperation at the situation.

"How could you have possibly not closed the deal?" Steve muttered up the shaft to no response. "We did everything right to get into the pants and we didn't even get an invite upstairs. What a sucky first date!"

Steve folded his arms and tried to think of a way to punish Brian for fucking up so badly. He decided on the classic blue balls. It was never fun living inside of a penis, because obviously, penises are weird body parts.

Shaking his head, Brian let himself into his apartment. He poured himself a glass of water and locked himself in the bathroom to extricate his sexual tension, during which he missed a text from Bethany thanking him for the lovely evening.

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