The Ride

Mom: I'm really glad we got to spend this time together, after all those years.
Jennifer: Me, too, Mom. (would it be funnier if I had her call him dad?)
Mom: So, what do you say, kiddo? Too old to sit on your mom's lap while she drives?
Jennifer: Yeah, kinda.
Mom: Oh. Is this because I was working and wasn't there for your first period?
Jennifer: No... I don't, um...
Mom: I'm so sorry I was out on a trip when you got your tonsils out.
Jennifer: It's fine, I don't care.
Mom: I'm a horrible absent mother.
Jennifer: No, don't say that. You're great at being an absent mother.
Mom: Is this because I missed your open heart surgery last month?
Jennifer: Mom, it's not that, I swear..... Fuck.
Mom: I don't blame you.
Jennifer: Fine, I'll sit on your lap and drive.
Mom: Really? You're kind of old for that, but okay.

(Jennifer sits on her mom's lap)

Mom: Okay, don't get nervous. Check your mirrors.
Jennifer: Okay.
Mom: Make sure the emergency break is off.
Jennifer: Right...
Mom: Turn on all four engines. Raise the throttle. Extend the wing jets.
Jennifer: Wait a second... Can I turn on the radio?
Mom: Sure.

(Steve enters)

Steve: Captain! We're losing velocity quickly and heading directly for that mountain! What's wr- oh... hi Jennifer.
Jennifer: Hi, Steve.
Steve: You're letting her....?
Mom: (confrontational) What are you trying to imply, Steve?
Steve: Not trying to imply anything. I'm trying to insinuate that the passengers are getting uncomfortable with the turbulence.
Mom: You think I care about those pussies?
Steve: This isn't the plane of domestic cat cargo!
Mom: It's not? Oh, no... Jennifer, it's time for mommy to save some lives. Get off.
(Jennifer gets up.)
Mom: Time to really buckle down.
(She buckles 7 imaginary seat belts all the way down to her ankles.)
Mom: Time to see what your mom is really made of... guts, bones, organs and mostly water.
Jennifer: No, Mom, I'll never see what you're made of, remember, I'm going blind.
Mom: Maybe it wasn't a great idea to let you fly.

(Steve takes Jennifer aside.)
Steve: Let's take this outside.
Jennifer: okay.
Steve: Jennifer, how are you?
Jennifer: Doing well.
Steve: You look well.
Jennifer: Thanks.
Steve: Listen, I'm really sorry about last month. I should have called.
Jennifer: It's fine.
Steve: I've just been ridiculously busy.
Jennifer: I got the message. I read "He's Just Not that Into You."
Steve: Oh you did?
Jennifer: Yeah, thanks for mailing me that book.
Steve: Glad you liked it.
Jennifer: But I don't know if you needed to follow it up with the second book. "Your Mother's copilot on the airplane is just not that into you"
Steven: Sometimes I overdo it.
Jennifer: Um, do you want your wrapping paper back from that book?
Steven: (deadpan) how generous.
Jennifer: How generous? About 7.
Steven: Sorry?
Mom: Hey did you kids want to stop at the drive through and get some sodas or tacos?
Jennifer: It's.... Listen, It's not like under my floorboards I have a shrine of your face I made with bits of your hair, chewed gum, and I talk to it every night in our own secret language.
Steve: ....
Jennifer: (really forced) Ha, ha, ha
Steve: (relieved) Ha, ha, ha
Jennifer: Blee-goo-glack.
Steve: The thing is, is I did want to call you, but your mother told me to stay away.
Jennifer: She told you that? I can't believe it. She usually has problems with "s"s.
Steve: She did, and I'm sorry I was stupid to listen.
Jennifer: Why would she say that?
Steve: She didn't want you to get hurt. You see the thing is, is I'm a robot.
Jennifer: You're kidding.
Mom: Hey, um... do you kids need to use the rest stop?
Steve: I know, I'm so sorry I was dishonest with you. I'm just ashamed of what I am. I knew you would be better off with someone human.
(Jennifer checks watch)
Steve: I had to tell you now, because no matter how disgusted you are by the truth, I'm in love with you.
Jennifer: This is ridiculous... You thought I didn't know?
Steve: How did you know?
Jennifer: Come on, Steve, the aliens taught me to identify artificial intelligent cyborgs.
Steve: Right, but when you were abducted they wiped your memory?
Jennifer: No they gave me a haircut.
Steve: It looks nice.
Jennifer: It grew back.
(Michelle starts singing)
Steve: Can you accept me for what I am?
Jennifer: Steve, this is our song... will you, do the human with me?
Steve: I'd be delighted.

Both Steve and Jennifer sit down on chairs and begin eating from a bag of chips, passing it back and forth while staring out into the audience like they're watching tv and littering on the floor.